I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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