The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
