Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
