im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize