I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
