Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
