am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
i love accidental penises.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
