I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Randomize
