Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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