I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
