Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
