That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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