Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
