If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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