We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
