Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
