i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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