At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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