I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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