If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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