Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
