fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
she looked like the before picture.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
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