i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
