im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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