There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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