the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
