i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
