I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
