would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
