Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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