there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
