Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
