You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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