I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
