I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
