so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
