How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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