It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
