Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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