I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Randomize
