When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i dont even know how to be here
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
