If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
