It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
