I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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