he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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