so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
