you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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