so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Randomize
