I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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