i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
