So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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