i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
