did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
