In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
