I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
