im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
