You just made me feel so damn special
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
