went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Randomize
